In elementary school I remember my class being told to “line up according to height”, which always sparked childish bickering over millimeters and whether or not hair style added to height. Since then, this practice has probably been deemed offensive to short children. I can’t say, as I was the tall guy at the back. But this tradition lives on any time you enter a parking garage: You line up your car in the first space which is size-appropriate, either compact or regular.

Who invented the compact space, and why was it deemed a good idea? These ¾ spaces masquerading as parking haven’t helped, they’ve just reduced us back to bickering school-children. On paper, it creates a larger number of spaces, with all the Minis, Civics, and Yaris-es parked in a row. But things in the automotive world rarely work like they did on paper. Look at the Edsel.

We’ve all driven through a garage and seen an Escalade shoe-horned into a compact space so tightly the driver must have exited through the tailgate. The first reaction is “Jerk”, or worse, as we wonder if the owner also wears their jeans from High-School in spite of their extra pounds. But, there’s another side to this story.

Instead of “Compact” and “Regular”, these spaces should be labeled “Ding” and “No-Ding”. They’re simply too small for anyone who likes their vehicle. In any garage you’ll find Mini-Coopers parked in the widest space they could find, or a sparkling new sportscar parked across two spaces. Inconsiderate, yes, but one look at the average car payment can make you want to park on the Bonneville salt flats just to be safe. Most of us avoid the sideways limbo when we exit our vehicle because we can picture the person beside us embedding their door in our quarter-panel when they return. So even the true compact cars avoid “compact” spaces.

Which means the spaces most readily available at any time are the door-ding inducing “compact” spaces. And if a driver arrives late to work or a movie there’s a near guarantee the only slots available will be the size of a matchbox. So a full size SUV owner suddenly finds themselves telling all the passengers to get out before they try to bend the laws of physics.

I’m not excusing this practice. But it’s better than coming around a corner to find that Escalade parked in the lane with its flashers on. If you’ve ever wanted to leave a note on a car too large for its space, look around to see how many truly compact cars are parked in spaces big enough for a blimp. Wouldn’t it have been better if the garage lost a couple of spaces and repainted all the lines the same?

So, the Awarning is this: Imagine you’re in elementary school and line up according to size. That way the big kids have a chance at parking their rolling war-machines somewhere they won’t cave in your side glass when they exit.

That is until we can rise up and demand all parking garages get repainted. It’s not world-peace or the end of famine, but it’s a start.

*** This Awarning was requested by Nathan Swisher, Everyday Driver TV fan and SUV owner***
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